I know this is a bit off
topic but I’m sure there’s some way I can relate it back to menopause – OK,
maybe not. My most recent guilty pleasure has been watching the cable show, Hoarders. I’ve watched so many episodes that I’m beginning
to wonder who is crazier, the hoarders or the so-called “doctors” they send in
to aid the afflicted.
Every episode ends with
the same results. Isn’t that the true definition of insanity? Doing the same
thing over and over again expecting different results? Every time the doctor
initially shows up at the house the exchange goes something like this:
Doctor: Oh
wow. How do I get around all this stuff?
Hoarder: Follow me. Be careful, you have to step on this
pile then leap frog over all these boxes until you swan dive through this hole
to get into the kitchen. Oooomph.
Doctor: (inspecting the kitchen area) Have you ever noticed these rat droppings?
Hoarder: (never even making eye contact) How would I? I haven’t washed dishes or flushed my
toilet in five years.
Doctor: Is there a floor in here? I can’t see it. Oh my
God, I need fresh air!
Next there’s a pep talk to
get ready for cleaning day. Usually these things are very serious. Most of
these people are on the verge of losing their homes and/or children.
Everybody’s happy on this day though – air kisses all around.
The next day isn’t usually
as happy. The doctor comes back armed with more “experts” and three empty dump
trucks to fill up with junk. Moments later twenty people swoop into the home
wearing HAZMAT suits and carrying big shovels to scrape debris from the floors. In the
meantime the doctor attempts to calm the patient who is literally climbing the
walls. Where else are they going to go? Seriously. Not only are these people in denial about their issues they are oblivious
to the big picture.
One lady was so busy
sorting through small stuff like sewing machine bobbins or hair pins that she
didn’t see the moving guys carting off her antiques including a player piano,
old wagon wheel and probably a Tiffany lamp or two. But at this moment she
doesn’t care. She is going to go through every darn one of these miniscule
items and decide if she needs it or not.
This is how it always
goes. The doctor pushes the hoarder to the brink and once they snap and start
yelling, “Get the hell out of my house,” (sometimes with their teeth in and
sometimes not) the hoarding expert complains to the cameraman “in secret” that
they’re now paying for twenty people to stand around and do nothing. This is
every episode, people! Now you won’t have to watch even one. I’ve saved you the
horror.
One standout episode
featured a woman with 36 cats. This is not Animal Hoarders I’m talking about here - just plain old-fashioned Hoarders. Of
the 36 cats in her home, 13 of them were found dead. When the lady told them to
get out and that all of her cats were fine and in good health one of the
experts calmed her and then lured her back into the home. But once they went
back in, that same “expert”, obviously trying to be a dick, hands her a kitten
carcass and says, “Did you want to keep this?” And she freaks out and runs away. A little while later he does it again! WTH?
I truly believe with all
my heart that the doctors, hoarding experts and professional organizers on
these shows would be completely inept doing another job. Without hoarders to
degrade and patronize, these “experts” are the textbook definition of insanity
and no doubt would be committed.
