Doctors Without Hoarders

I know this is a bit off topic but I’m sure there’s some way I can relate it back to menopause – OK, maybe not. My most recent guilty pleasure has been watching the cable show, Hoarders. I’ve watched so many episodes that I’m beginning to wonder who is crazier, the hoarders or the so-called “doctors” they send in to aid the afflicted.

Every episode ends with the same results. Isn’t that the true definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? Every time the doctor initially shows up at the house the exchange goes something like this:

Doctor:  Oh wow. How do I get around all this stuff?

Hoarder: Follow me. Be careful, you have to step on this pile then leap frog over all these boxes until you swan dive through this hole to get into the kitchen. Oooomph.

Doctor: (inspecting the kitchen area) Have you ever noticed these rat droppings?

Hoarder: (never even making eye contact) How would I? I haven’t washed dishes or flushed my toilet in five years.

Doctor: Is there a floor in here? I can’t see it. Oh my God, I need fresh air!

Next there’s a pep talk to get ready for cleaning day. Usually these things are very serious. Most of these people are on the verge of losing their homes and/or children. Everybody’s happy on this day though – air kisses all around.

The next day isn’t usually as happy. The doctor comes back armed with more “experts” and three empty dump trucks to fill up with junk. Moments later twenty people swoop into the home wearing HAZMAT suits and carrying big shovels to scrape debris from the floors. In the meantime the doctor attempts to calm the patient who is literally climbing the walls. Where else are they going to go? Seriously. Not only are these people in denial about their issues they are oblivious to the big picture.

One lady was so busy sorting through small stuff like sewing machine bobbins or hair pins that she didn’t see the moving guys carting off her antiques including a player piano, old wagon wheel and probably a Tiffany lamp or two. But at this moment she doesn’t care. She is going to go through every darn one of these miniscule items and decide if she needs it or not. 

This is how it always goes. The doctor pushes the hoarder to the brink and once they snap and start yelling, “Get the hell out of my house,” (sometimes with their teeth in and sometimes not) the hoarding expert complains to the cameraman “in secret” that they’re now paying for twenty people to stand around and do nothing. This is every episode, people! Now you won’t have to watch even one. I’ve saved you the horror.

One standout episode featured a woman with 36 cats. This is not Animal Hoarders I’m talking about here - just plain old-fashioned Hoarders.  Of the 36 cats in her home, 13 of them were found dead. When the lady told them to get out and that all of her cats were fine and in good health one of the experts calmed her and then lured her back into the home. But once they went back in, that same “expert”, obviously trying to be a dick, hands her a kitten carcass and says, “Did you want to keep this?” And she freaks out and runs away. A little while later he does it again! WTH?

I truly believe with all my heart that the doctors, hoarding experts and professional organizers on these shows would be completely inept doing another job. Without hoarders to degrade and patronize, these “experts” are the textbook definition of insanity and no doubt would be committed.