Menopause Amusement Park

What if someone built an amusement park with a menopause theme? They could sell t-shirts with slogans like "I Went Through Menopause & All I Got Was This Big Fat Ass"

There would need to be themed rides, of course, so I've come up with a list:

The Overly Emotional Rollercoaster (so many ups and downs)

Mommy The Monster (She bites the heads off chocolate Easter bunnies.)

Road Rage Bumper Cars (Whiplash is our specialty.)

Tower of Terror (Or as we like to call it “Home Sweet Home”)

It’s a Very Small World (Too small if you ask me.)

I Scream, You Scream (but mostly I scream)

Speeding Toward Death Drop Tower

Punching Clowns Until They Go Down (or at least until they cry)

House of Broken Mirrors (Watch Your Step!)

And finally - 

Primal Scream Carousel

Enjoy the day - and your meltdown!

Ten Positive Things About Menopause

Sometimes you might start feeling down and when you do, just think of all the positives menopause has to offer:

10)            No more visits from Aunt Flo and no more praying she’ll show up.

9)            Conveniently forgetting stuff and blaming it on menopause. “That was today?”

8)            Finally getting those anti-depressants you’ve been wanting.

7)            And maybe some anti-anxiety pills, too!

6)             After 50 you won’t have to raise your own babies – just your grandkids.

5)            Oh the things you’ll learn watching Oprah and Dr. Phil.

4)            Wearing caftans and sweat pants because comfort is more important than style.

3)            You can use your uterus as extra storage space. It’s not doing anything.

2)            Start your new career as a bearded lady for the traveling circus.

1)            Telling people to shut their big yapper because you don’t care to hear it anymore.

I’m sure there are many more, so please feel free to add your positive thoughts to this list in the comments section below.

Food for Thought

In keeping with the promise to provide information on menopause and all things related I’m adding a link below to a very interesting article regarding osteopenia. A friend sent me this quite some time ago and it really stuck with me.

Healthcare and pharmaceutical companies are big businesses so when it comes to your own health, you owe it to yourself to do the research and be as educated as you can on the subject matter and treatment options. Work with your doctor to explore all avenues, traditional and alternative, to find the combination that works best for you. Listen to your body and it will tell you when you’re on the right track.

If this link doesn’t work, copy and paste to your browser.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=121609815

Lesser-Known Symptoms Of Menopause

A severe dislike of women with waistlines.

Dark chocolate now forms the base of your food pyramid.

You constantly ask, “Is it hot in here or am I menopausal?”

More pimples than a high school freshman.

Conversations with yourself have become far more interesting.

Garlic is no longer a friend and gravity is on very shaky terms.

Easily distracted – like this one time when I wasssss

Believing that you can – and just might – kick the world’s ass.

Bipolar is the new “normal”.

You produce enough wind to power a small continent.

A group of retired people stalk you by mail.

The sad irony of knowing that once you're post-menopausal you can have all the sex you want and not get pregnant – but by then you’ll be too tired.

On The Highway Of Life, Just 2 Exits Past The Lunachick Fringe is the Menopausal Meltdown

If you just fell into this blog, (which you’d have to because I just created it) you may be asking yourself why? I’ll tell you. Because when life hands you menopause - kick life in the nuts - because that’s life’s soft spot.

I’m writing this blog about menopause because several of my friends have expressed confusion as to what is happening to them. I don’t know either, but I figure if we can’t keep our humor, we should just go end it all. But that’s the kind of talk that got me a family size bottle of anti-depressants so I won’t expound.

There seem to be lots of blogs catering to new mommies, but there don’t seem to be too many that cater to women after the kids have gone to college and you’re staring life in the face wondering how tight you’re going to have to pull the ponytail to smooth out the forehead wrinkles or if it’s time to call in the professionals. My hope is that this blog can be a place for humor, shared experience and some information along the way. 

I have friends in all stages of life - one who’s recently divorced after 20 years of marriage, another whose husband has been out of work for two years and yet another who doesn’t know why she constantly gripes at her fiancé over one little thing or another. I picture all of us taking in slights over the years and then something small happens like a stubbed toe and in a fleeting instant everything comes back in a rush, like a ride on Space Mountain. Then, our face turns red, our head expands to the size of a balloon and smoke comes out of our ears along with the sound of a train whistle. Hide the knives and head for the hills!!

Having a Menopausal Meltdown every now and then is understandable especially when we have things to look forward to like the list below, which I took off the Internet from a description of a book entitled New Menopausal Years The Wise Woman Way. The title itself is enough to make you cry. The book includes sections on the following topics. SECTIONS mind you, not mere sentences:

Weight Gain (Really? As if we haven’t been battling hard enough against it our whole lives?)

Emotional Uproar (With emphasis on the “roar” part as in “I am woman hear me roar.” I’ve always thought it was just the ass that got in an uproar, but I’m from the south, which could explain that line of thinking.)

Flooding (I’m sorry to say I don’t think they mean the kind that happens after a really big rainfall.)

Sex (or in my case, a huge lack thereof.)

Hot Flashes (cuz’ nothing says, “I'm going through menopause” like a good hot flash!)

Sleeplessness (This is especially upsetting to me because I love to sleep.)

Hairy Problems (What? Like moustaches and scary witchy moles?) 

Headaches (Oh please, I had these WAY before.)

Male Menopause (I think this is when men go out and buy a convertible sports car, have an affair with a 20-year-old and purchase spray-on hair for their bald spot.)

and if that weren’t enough there’s “lots more” probably something like crying and gnashing of teeth.

Oh joy! I mean who among us wouldn’t be thrilled at the thought of experiencing one or more of the preceding conditions?

It used to be a woman would hide herself away when she went through “the change” but oh no, not me. I say we showcase our mustaches and insomnia. Parade them around town, take them to dinner at a posh restaurant and bring them as our date to a famous award show instead of bringing our mothers.

So that’s what this blog will be about. Meeting menopause head on and not being afraid or backing down. Using it to your advantage. Not being ashamed of having a meltdown especially if it doesn’t lead to a homicide. Enjoy life’s journey as much as possible before you complete the process of turning into a dry husk of what was once a vibrant, supple woman. C’mon, I kid!

Thanks for reading! Ya’ll come back.