Black (and Blue) Friday

From Mashable, here’s part of what’s wrong with America and I’m not talking about the visible ass crack either. Oh how I wish “Away in a Manger” was playing underneath this!

Classing it up at Walmart

The way people were being pushed around you’d think everyone was competing for a chance at a heart transplant with only one heart left to give away. But no, this herd was closing in on $2 waffle makers. See what happens to people after they’ve been standing out in the cold, sleep deprived, main-lining caffeine and dreaming of cheap appliances? They lose their minds, and before you know it, it’s Lord of the Flies reenacted right there at your local Wal-Mart. All the standards of normal behavior are forgotten and the mob mentality reaches a frenzied Darwinian pitch. Like a shark getting a whiff of blood, these peoples’ focus became the thing that they wanted to buy and damn anyone who got in the way.  Hey, whatever happened to WWJD? I’m almost positive Jesus would not scuffle over a $2 waffle maker. I mean if you can give eternal life a frickin’ $2 waffle maker would be a complete waste of time.

Here’s how I imagine the conversation will go on Christmas Day, “Oh good, I’m so glad you like the waffle maker! I had to knock down two people, trip an old lady, sucker punch a kid and cut in line to buy that, and the best part is it only cost me $2! Merry Christmas, sweetheart! Now let’s celebrate the birth of Christ.”

P.S. If any one of my friends or family gives me a $2 waffle maker for Christmas I will disown them. Give money to a charity in my name instead. Thank you.

It's a BOGO-HO-HO-HO

After approximately 25 years in retail advertising I have to say I have never seen this word, BOGOF. It looks wrong and it sounds wrong. It’s fun to say BOGO because it’s a nice simple word that has a bit of a bounce to it, but BOGOF changes everything with its abrupt F stop.

What is going to happen when it’s Buy One Get One Half Off? I think we all know it will be called a BOGO-HO, which for the right items I guess I’d be willing to HO it up but you don’t even know me, retail store, so don’t go getting up in all my BOGO business. Don’t try to be creative by adding an F. Accept that BOGO is the best it’s going to get and specify if it’s free or half off in the copy. Your creativity is better used elsewhere or possibly not at all.

I’m Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse

Last night I watched another riveting episode of The Walking Dead and I realized something. I don’t have to fear a zombie apocalypse because I won’t have to risk my life running to a convenience store a mile away to steal tampons or even a pregnancy test. This in itself gives me an advantage over the younger females. 

For those of you who don’t watch the show, well you have no idea what I’m talking about. But if there’s one positive take-away for all, here it is – if you’re menopausal and you’re in a zombie apocalypse – no worries. You won’t mind blasting the walking dead in the head. It’s just one less thing you have to worry about now. You're welcome!

Artwork by Denise Alvarado © 2008