Black (and Blue) Friday

From Mashable, here’s part of what’s wrong with America and I’m not talking about the visible ass crack either. Oh how I wish “Away in a Manger” was playing underneath this!

Classing it up at Walmart

The way people were being pushed around you’d think everyone was competing for a chance at a heart transplant with only one heart left to give away. But no, this herd was closing in on $2 waffle makers. See what happens to people after they’ve been standing out in the cold, sleep deprived, main-lining caffeine and dreaming of cheap appliances? They lose their minds, and before you know it, it’s Lord of the Flies reenacted right there at your local Wal-Mart. All the standards of normal behavior are forgotten and the mob mentality reaches a frenzied Darwinian pitch. Like a shark getting a whiff of blood, these peoples’ focus became the thing that they wanted to buy and damn anyone who got in the way.  Hey, whatever happened to WWJD? I’m almost positive Jesus would not scuffle over a $2 waffle maker. I mean if you can give eternal life a frickin’ $2 waffle maker would be a complete waste of time.

Here’s how I imagine the conversation will go on Christmas Day, “Oh good, I’m so glad you like the waffle maker! I had to knock down two people, trip an old lady, sucker punch a kid and cut in line to buy that, and the best part is it only cost me $2! Merry Christmas, sweetheart! Now let’s celebrate the birth of Christ.”

P.S. If any one of my friends or family gives me a $2 waffle maker for Christmas I will disown them. Give money to a charity in my name instead. Thank you.

It's a BOGO-HO-HO-HO

After approximately 25 years in retail advertising I have to say I have never seen this word, BOGOF. It looks wrong and it sounds wrong. It’s fun to say BOGO because it’s a nice simple word that has a bit of a bounce to it, but BOGOF changes everything with its abrupt F stop.

What is going to happen when it’s Buy One Get One Half Off? I think we all know it will be called a BOGO-HO, which for the right items I guess I’d be willing to HO it up but you don’t even know me, retail store, so don’t go getting up in all my BOGO business. Don’t try to be creative by adding an F. Accept that BOGO is the best it’s going to get and specify if it’s free or half off in the copy. Your creativity is better used elsewhere or possibly not at all.

I’m Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse

Last night I watched another riveting episode of The Walking Dead and I realized something. I don’t have to fear a zombie apocalypse because I won’t have to risk my life running to a convenience store a mile away to steal tampons or even a pregnancy test. This in itself gives me an advantage over the younger females. 

For those of you who don’t watch the show, well you have no idea what I’m talking about. But if there’s one positive take-away for all, here it is – if you’re menopausal and you’re in a zombie apocalypse – no worries. You won’t mind blasting the walking dead in the head. It’s just one less thing you have to worry about now. You're welcome!

Artwork by Denise Alvarado © 2008

Menopause - There’s No Way Around It

As you know I’m always looking out for your menopausal health and today I found someone else who does, too. This lady actually has credentials and a website dedicated to the subject of menopause.

360 Menopause - The name makes me think that menopause is everywhere you turn and there’s nowhere to run. I feel trapped.

The website is a calming breeze of pink and purple tones that mix with a kind of Kenny G musical number to lull you into a hypnotic state. Then the video begins. I like the positive spin she attempts to give to menopause when she says it’s a “journey filled with gifts and blessings”. Hey wait a second, that’s what all the cheesy elementary school films said BEFORE I started my period. What’s going on here? Am I supposed to believe that sagging breasts, a dimply, golf ball ass and a rice paper vagina are my blessings?

Then she goes on to say that menopause is “not about getting old. In some countries it’s revered and respected.” So I guess I need to go live in one of those countries because I do like the thought of being revered and respected. I shall be their queen!

The site makes good use of written information interspersed with video and photos. There is valuable information, which you can evaluate for yourself. There could be more photos of people with darker skin tones. We’re not all lily white. I’m just sayin’.

One of the videos I watched was about exercise and the expert was excited and energetic about the topic. But then in another video she was all serious and sort of reminded me of a Stepford Wife.

I poke fun, but I do appreciate the positive spin this woman tries to put on the journey, transition, trek, adventure, expedition, passage or whatever you want to call it. And I like the fact that she hopes all women will take control of their menopause.

Know your body, educate yourself, talk to your doctor and keep a sense of humor. Be all that you can be! You may be too old for the Army but you can still kick ass and take names.

The Seven Menopausal Dwarfs

I’m not sure why it took me so long, but I just found a website for the North American Menopause Society (NAMS for short). It really never occurred to me that there would be an entire Society dedicated to menopause. Oh but there is my friends, there is and its name is NAMS.

Of course, there’s a lot of good information on the site to help you through this very confusing time in your life. I only say confusing because there is so much information out there and it often contradicts itself. I think it’s good to read all you can about your health, menopause and therapies then make your own decisions based on what you know about yourself and your body.

According to the website here’s how a woman can confirm menopause:

“There are two steps you must go through first before you can say you are menopausal. Step One: Get to Perimenopause and then Step Two: Get Past Perimenopause.” I swear this stuff is so good I could not have made it up!

The society shines their NAMS spotlight on menopause awareness and education selling books including the Menopause Guidebook  - you know, just in case you think you might get lost along the way to menopause with all the confusing steps mentioned above.

There’s an online magazine called Menopause Flashes because as we know we only get flashes of occasional mental clarity and extreme body heat. The rest of the time we’re just confused, bloated, tired, erratic, forgetful, homicidal and bitchy – The Seven Menopausal Dwarfs. I'll bet Snow White never had a hot flash.

Until next time, be cool.

SPAM I Am

Wow, do people still eat SPAM? I’m pretty sure it’s one of the many reasons I’m a vegetarian. Spam in your in-box is something no one really wants and I would think that also applies to the pre-cooked meat product taking up space on your plate.

Now you can thank Walmart for being on the cutting edge of kids’ vending machine game prizes. I’m sure they’ll let you play if you’re an adult, too. Who among us wouldn’t love to win a can full of SPAM cards – and SPAM Crazy Eights no less. I just hope the cards are scratch-and-sniff. Great way to repurpose a SPAM can!

Spare Parts of Ham = SPAM. I do not like it here or there. I do not like it anywhere. 

Those Crazy Canadians

For up to the minute news on stalling menopause, here's an interesting article out of Montreal.

Increasing Fertility After 35

Coenzyme Q10 seems to be the answer here. Although I don't agree with animal testing, it seems they've discovered that the older women get the less energy their eggs have to reproduce. Pretty sure I don't need a mouse to tell me that. I know I'm tired and I don't blame my eggs if they're tired, too.

Fragile - Handle with Care

I bet if Sammy Davis, Jr. had known about this he'd have been glad that just one eye was glass.

I’m Not a Doctor but I Play One on the Internet

Thought I’d do an actual post on menopause today. Shocking, I know but I’m pretty sure my followers, all five of them, depend on me for pertinent menopausal information.

I went in search of all-natural supplements for menopausal symptoms and in return found a fantastic website that has lots of information and answers to questions you may have not even thought to ask yet.

The Wellesley Center for Women's Health

There are reviews on the most popular supplements with the #1 product being Mendapause. Oh right, like they’re going to make it all better.

If you scroll down the home page there’s a trailer for a documentary and it’s quite funny. I particularly like the lady at the end. Enjoy!

  

I also came across this beauty, which can be used as a public service or warning to others by wearing it at all times. This ribbon will let people know that you’re going through menopause and they need to get the hell out of your way. 

Works well at the bank, grocery store, even at home. Flash the menopause awareness ribbon and let people know they are taking their lives into their own hands by interacting with you – even a little bit.

My work here is done.

Doctors Without Hoarders

I know this is a bit off topic but I’m sure there’s some way I can relate it back to menopause – OK, maybe not. My most recent guilty pleasure has been watching the cable show, Hoarders. I’ve watched so many episodes that I’m beginning to wonder who is crazier, the hoarders or the so-called “doctors” they send in to aid the afflicted.

Every episode ends with the same results. Isn’t that the true definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? Every time the doctor initially shows up at the house the exchange goes something like this:

Doctor:  Oh wow. How do I get around all this stuff?

Hoarder: Follow me. Be careful, you have to step on this pile then leap frog over all these boxes until you swan dive through this hole to get into the kitchen. Oooomph.

Doctor: (inspecting the kitchen area) Have you ever noticed these rat droppings?

Hoarder: (never even making eye contact) How would I? I haven’t washed dishes or flushed my toilet in five years.

Doctor: Is there a floor in here? I can’t see it. Oh my God, I need fresh air!

Next there’s a pep talk to get ready for cleaning day. Usually these things are very serious. Most of these people are on the verge of losing their homes and/or children. Everybody’s happy on this day though – air kisses all around.

The next day isn’t usually as happy. The doctor comes back armed with more “experts” and three empty dump trucks to fill up with junk. Moments later twenty people swoop into the home wearing HAZMAT suits and carrying big shovels to scrape debris from the floors. In the meantime the doctor attempts to calm the patient who is literally climbing the walls. Where else are they going to go? Seriously. Not only are these people in denial about their issues they are oblivious to the big picture.

One lady was so busy sorting through small stuff like sewing machine bobbins or hair pins that she didn’t see the moving guys carting off her antiques including a player piano, old wagon wheel and probably a Tiffany lamp or two. But at this moment she doesn’t care. She is going to go through every darn one of these miniscule items and decide if she needs it or not. 

This is how it always goes. The doctor pushes the hoarder to the brink and once they snap and start yelling, “Get the hell out of my house,” (sometimes with their teeth in and sometimes not) the hoarding expert complains to the cameraman “in secret” that they’re now paying for twenty people to stand around and do nothing. This is every episode, people! Now you won’t have to watch even one. I’ve saved you the horror.

One standout episode featured a woman with 36 cats. This is not Animal Hoarders I’m talking about here - just plain old-fashioned Hoarders.  Of the 36 cats in her home, 13 of them were found dead. When the lady told them to get out and that all of her cats were fine and in good health one of the experts calmed her and then lured her back into the home. But once they went back in, that same “expert”, obviously trying to be a dick, hands her a kitten carcass and says, “Did you want to keep this?” And she freaks out and runs away. A little while later he does it again! WTH?

I truly believe with all my heart that the doctors, hoarding experts and professional organizers on these shows would be completely inept doing another job. Without hoarders to degrade and patronize, these “experts” are the textbook definition of insanity and no doubt would be committed.

Love on Aisle 5

Today I stopped by the lower-end grocery store in my town because I knew they carried the soft drinks I wanted and the store is on my way home. As I swung my abbreviated grocery cart into the soft drink aisle, there were three adults (two men and one woman) standing there taking up the entire aisle. One of the men and the woman were embracing, completely unaware that there was anyone else around and certainly weren't going to move out of the way. And just to give you an idea, both men were wearing sweat-stained t-shirts and jeans. I didn't look close enough to see if everyone in the group had all their teeth.

The lone guy, we'll call him the third wheel, turned around and looked at me, not sure if he should be embarrassed or happy for them, and said, "Wedding bells". Only when he said it, it came out as "Weddin' Bay-ells". I rolled my eyes and turned my snub-nosed cart around to take the next aisle over and cut back. They were still blocking the other end of the aisle. Are there no better places to propose than the local grocery store's soft drink aisle? I mean really! God help me, I'm going to have to give up soft drinks.

Head’s Up

Sometimes you might feel like you’re stating the obvious, but then someone goes and does something so asinine that you just have to cover yourself. So it is for the City of Concord and their peaceful park. FORE!

I guess the next obvious sign my tax dollars will pay for is: “No French kissing of siblings or first cousins allowed”.

A Stranger in an Even Stranger Land

I live in a place where I don’t belong, especially being menopausal. I have no patience to deal with the craziness. Soon after moving here I had an encounter that should have made me reconsider my decision but at that point it was too late.

One evening around dusk I called animal control because this kid said he saw a wild boar down in the field across from my house. I shined my flashlight down there and while I could see something I could not tell what it was. I called the sheriff because animal control was closed (of course - they're closed nights and weekends - too bad no one alerted the animals) and told him I could see an animal but it was dusk and I couldn't make out what it was. 

He asked, "Is it lying down?" 

"No. It's standing up." 

"Is it moving?" 

"No, that's the weird part, it's standing still." 

"Is it a dog?" 

"No, I don't think so." 

In the meantime the kid goes to another neighbor's house and all 300 pounds of her comes barreling out the door, caftan billowing in the breeze, while I'm talking to the sheriff and I said, "Do you know what this thing is?" 

And in her thickest southern accent she yells, "It's a fake pig!" 

The sheriff heard her through the phone and proceeded to explain to me that people use the fake pig for target practice with a bow and arrow. I don’t understand the redneck and his ways so I said, "Sorry to disturb you but I'm from Atlanta and I've never seen anything like that." I promptly hung up.

The next day when it was light I walked by to get a better look down in the field. A man’s voice from Big Mama’s house said, “Looks real, don’t it?” Yes, it did.

Blame It On The Menopause

Lately I like to blame everything on “the menopause”. I can get by with a lot more like sleeping in late, being snarky and eating chocolate whenever I want.

A couple days ago I noticed my refrigerated drinks didn’t feel or taste as cold as they usually do, but again I blamed it on the menopause and the fact that it’s been in the upper 90s for weeks now. My mathematically logical equation was – I am hot – ergo, my refrigerator doesn’t seem as cool.

Then I noticed a noxious smell when I opened the door, which led me to throw out the spinach I’d been keeping in the crisper. Later I happened to glance on the door and saw my milk had become a solid mass of something. I barely squeezed the sides of the plastic bottle when the cap popped off like an explosive nearly taking out my left eye. I literally had to duck to avoid it. Usually curdled milk is not as dangerous as a BB gun – but not in my refrigerator.

Is that butter, yogurt or sour cream?

It took almost losing an eye for me to realize I needed a new refrigerator. 

Riddle Me This

How do you tell the difference between being hot and having a hot flash, especially when it’s in the upper 90’s outside? As far as I know I’ve never had a hot flash during the winter. I’m usually freezing my bum off from October through April.

This summer it’s hot as it usually is during the summer in the South and I’m having a hard time telling when I’m having a hot flash and when I’m just hot. I can stand still and sweat rolls down my back – and my front. Once I start moving it’s even worse. I sweat through my clothes. At night when I wear cotton sleep pants and a jog bra I’m sweating even before I lie down to sleep. I keep the thermostat at 80 degrees and it runs constantly because I have a 100+ year old home and trying to cool it is like trying to cool a stadium with a box fan.

My mother and I were having a conversation about life before air conditioning when she said, “I don’t think it used to get this hot.” And I said, “Yes it did. Remember when we finally got an air conditioner in the house and it had to be 90 degrees outside before you’d turn it on?” “Oh yeah, I guess we were just more used to it then.”

And not going through menopause.

Random Thought

I’ve always found it strange that younger people drive at high speeds and older people drive so slowly. You’d think it would be the other way around since older people have less time left.

Doing My Civic Doody

I live in a small town just outside Charlotte, NC. It was certainly a culture shock of sorts moving from Atlanta to Charlotte, which was like going back in time about twenty years, but then moving to where I live now often seems like a flat-out mistake. On the surface it appears quaint and historic but underneath lies a deep, dark secret – a supreme lack of class. While walking my dogs I came across a sign. I wrote my local city government who responded with:

“Thank you for your email.  I agree that the wording of the sign is not in good taste.  I am not sure whether that kind of expression is constitutionally protected, but I will pass this information along to the City's Legal Department and to Code Enforcement for to ask them to look into it.”

To which I responded:

“Thanks for the response. If that wording is constitutionally protected and also allowed by the City of Concord, I've got some great ideas for yard signs of my own!”

Then I got an email from the city’s lawyer:

“There is no Constitutional protection for obscenity.  Obscenity is not protected by the US Constitution.  It is not protected by the NC Constitution.  As you report the sign is written, the sign is in violation of Concord ordinance.  (I have not seen the sign.)  The matter has been turned over to the Code Enforcement Div of the Police Dept."

As I reported the sign is written? I’m pretty sure I can remember three words and the order in which they’re printed. So I got my camera and took a picture. The sign was down by the end of the next day.

Caffeine Drip - Stat!

If laziness is a symptom of menopause I'm totally rockin' it! Can't seem to get anything done these days.

Waist Not, Want One

One evening I was rummaging through a box of items that I still have not found a place for since I moved into my house four years ago. I pulled out a big silver color ring that had a hanger and several belts hanging off it. Oh wow, I need a new belt or two, so I started trying on belts that at one time fit me just fine. But then I got older and quit smoking. One by one I tried on the belts only to find that the majority of them did not even meet in the front.

What happened to my old waist? I was upset for quite some time after realizing my once tiny waist somehow disappeared when I wasn’t looking – or maybe I was distracted by all the chocolate bars I’ve been eating. Still - what used to be a curve is now a straightaway and I will never be able to wear those belts again for fear of doing irreparable damage by getting one to hook while simultaneously cutting off the oxygen and blood supply to my brain.

The Pregnant Man

Over the holidays I went to visit my family. My youngest brother and his wife have two children and one on the way. It appears my brother is putting on "sympathy weight" because he was joking around and pushing out his stomach making it look even bigger than it is. I asked the six-year-old, "Who’s having the baby – your mom or your dad?" She said, "My daddy’s having a food baby." And I’ll stop this part of the story here because it could go off into so many wrong directions.

But there really is such a thing as "sympathy weight". It says so on the internet so it must be true, right? Maybe all the raging hormones of the female make the male want to eat to stuff down his feelings before he explodes (now you know how we feel, guys). So I offer this up to all men, if your wife, girlfriend, life partner, whatever is going through menopause it’s very much like the mood swings that go with pregnancy except there’s no miracle of birth at the end. I guess you just keep eating and eating until you die.

Age Is Just A Number – Don’t Let It Be Your IQ

Some recent encounters with young people have got me a little worried. One because I just used the term "young people" and two because with so much information at our fingertips how can these young people be so uninformed?

Two things I feel I need to point out:

1) Paul Newman is not JUST a purveyor of salad dressings. Have you never seen the movies Hud, Cool Hand Luke, Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid, or The Sting to name only a few? Paul Newman was one of the most talented actors of all time. Seriously. Some of those films came out before I was born, too but I’m aware of them.

2) In The Ghetto is not an original song by Cartman on South Park. "Fer reals." While you may be able to imitate Cartman flawlessly, it was actually Elvis who sang it back in the day.

Made to Order

Where's a hot flash when you need one? At Dunkin Donuts with the cops. (Just kidding, policemen and women! I have the utmost respect for you :)

The temperature is in the twenties where I live. I'm wearing three shirts indoors yet I'm still cold. I'd like to order one hot flash now and possibly another one later.

Really Bad B.O.

In my quest to bring you information regarding menopause and all things menopausal, I've researched many of the symptoms and changes that the body goes through. Several are quite disheartening but this one takes the cake. By now you've certainly heard of hot flashes and night sweats but did you know that because of the hormonal changes that cause these two wonders you're also going to have highly atrocious B.O.?

Of course you didn't know because no one ever talks about that part. It's a lie of omission! And here's how one website describes what bad B.O. or B.B.O. (for any Seinfeld fans) can do to your social life – “lead to embarrassment, anxiety and dejection”. God, didn't I already go through that in high school?

Apocrine glands and fluctuating estrogen levels are the little bastards that cause this problem. Another cause that I found is if you tend to wear a lot of synthetic fabrics like polyester, which immediately gave me a flashback to high school gym class and the ugly onesies we had to wear. Talk about heinous B.O.! You could wash those things in industrial cleaner and there was no getting the stink out of them. The odious smell rose off the uniforms in waves like heat off a desert highway.

When dealing with menopausal body odor, make sure you are eating right, exercising, finding ways to reduce stress and wearing breathable fabrics like cotton. Of course bathing and deodorant can cut down on the problem as well but not always. When I was home for the holidays I went to dinner with a friend and the next day even though I'd showered, brushed my teeth, gargled and put deodorant on the appropriate areas my mom asks me (while we're standing in the check-out line at a store, mind you) 

“Did you eat garlic last night?” 

“Uh, yeah, it was an Italian restaurant.” 

“ I can smell it.” 

I looked around nervously at everyone standing in line. Is there a spotlight on me? “Are you sure? Maybe it’s my jacket. It probably soaked up the restaurant smells. Here sniff it.” 

Sniff, sniff. “It’s not the jacket, it's you.” 

“Well damn, it must be coming out of my pores then.”

If you find you're still having issues with really bad body odor (say that three times fast) you should probably see your gyno for further instructions.